Conflict and Citizenship

I just wanted to quickly post a short segment on the current situation in Israel. Over a hundred (if not hundreds) of rockets have been fired over into Israel in the last few weeks. I pray to Hashem that the Israelis, and especially the IDF soldiers, remain safe and healthy. I also wanted to add that despite the ceasefire, there is a war going on against the Jews and the West by extreme militant Islamists. I hope that America and Europe will wake up and realize that this is not a P.R. war, where the best pictures win. This is a serious conflict in which terrorists are shooting missiles and rockets (and blowing up buses) to KILL Israeli citizens, and then hide behind their own children's schools and hospitals.

While I am not a warmonger, I want these people out. 

As Golda Meir said best, "I can forgive them for killing my children, but I cannot forgive them for making me kill theirs. We will only have peace with the Arabs when they love their children more than they hate ours." 

I want peace. I want peace now. But I believe true peace will only come when we recognize each other's humanity. In order to do that, we need to help the victims of both sides. Whether it's sending toys and medical aid to the children of Sderot or Gaza City, or setting up support groups for victims who've lost limbs and family members... These are the things that will bring about peace.

Other things that will bring about peace are liberating the Palestinians from their true oppressors- the Arab nation. The Arab states have refused to let the Palestinians have a state of their own. In fact, their Arab captors have literally hijacked the Palestinians' land, east of the Jordan River, and continue to suppress them in order to use them as a political pawn in order to "Drive Israel into the sea." They would kill every Palestinian in order to get rid of Israel. When will the real oppression stop? 

With this said, this is the perfect time to make my announcement. Tomorrow, I meet with a Nefesh B'Nefesh representative to talk about getting my 

Israeli citizenship. 

Despite it being a time of "war" in Israel, I stand firm with my home.

We have survived a dozen wars and three exiles... 

And we will continue to survive until the Moshiach comes. 

But, instead of following the Moshiach into Israel, 

I'll be welcoming him in. 

Mar Cheshvan (Bitter Cheshvan)

The entire month of Cheshvan (10/17/12-11/14/12) has been a wacky month for me. Its name has often been dubbed "Mar Cheshvan" (or "Bitter Cheshvan) is because its lack of holidays or special mitzvot (commandments). Additionally, Cheshvan was when the Mabul (Noah's Flood) started and ended (one year later). I'd like to cover all the events of my "bitter" month, but I'll start a little earlier with Sukkos.

I had a dynamic time during the first days of Sukkos! I love the family I stayed by and had a very nice time. But y'know when you get those bad feelings? I had been sitting in the living room reading a book about the Jewish super-natural. One chapter of the book discussed life after death, and retold a few stories of people who came back to life after a prolonged clinical death. But, this book didn't read like a fairy-tale. Sitting on the couch, I read the story of an Israeli soldier who had died in a car accident on his way to reserve duty. The story should of been typical. It should of been a ghost-story to tell my friends when I got back. More than that, it should of been inconsequential or simply an easy read. But while reading this story (mind you, I had read approximately fifteen similar stories before) I started to cry. I had gotten to the part of the car accident when I got this flood of unexpected emotion and when I was about to get up to wipe my face, my body turned cold.

Before I stood up, I froze. I felt like I wasn't alone. In fact, I felt a presence next to me. Now before I continue, I hope you know I was reading this super-natural book because I thought it was just cool ghost stories. I believe in the after-life, reincarnation, heaven and the rest of the Jewish shebang. But, as far as ghosts and presence goes I'm not the medium-type. I'm sure they can come, but I doubt they do it for fun. I also think it's weird and creepy and I don't like the idea of any of it (unless it's in the abstract).  However, I was sitting on the couch and I felt the presence of my grandmother sitting next to me.

I don't really know how I knew this (I wasn't "seeing" anything... I just felt it). And I'll be the first to admit, I don't like admitting it one bit. But once I thought my Bubby was sitting next to me, my unexpected tears from the story of the car accident became a flood. I ran to the bathroom, cleaned up, and came back to the living room, but before I sat back down I read tehillim to make me feel better (and I'll admit, I don't typically do this either). Once I collected myself, I sat down and continued reading. I finished the story of this solider recounting his judgement in Heaven's courts and how he got a chance to come back. When he woke up disoriented in his hospital bed, his sister wrote down everything he had said and that was what made it into this book. I started to feel a little calmer wondering if I had imagined the entire events from before (me randomly starting to cry when hearing about the car accident then feeling my Bubby's presence) and shrugged it off. As the sunset, I debated if I should drive home that night. For some reason, I had a bad feeling.

I got in the car, despite my bad gut-feeling. And as my mind started to wander, I realized my feeling may be a real threat and started to pay close attention to the car in front of me.  Oh man, I was too close! So I eased up in the gas and got about five car lengths behind it; after all it was a rainy/foggy night. Then, while going under a light, I saw the car go forward, the light go yellow, and the car slam on the brakes. Following suit, I break hard, surprised by the sudden stop. Unnervingly, though, my brakes don't get traction on the wet ground and I realize I'm going to hit the car in front of me. I see the car in the lane right of me is not slowing down, so I veer left to avoid a full-on crash. Unluckily, the shoulder wasn't big enough so my front right of the car went into their car pushing them into the intersection. CRAP!

Well, it turns out the person I hit didn't have insurance, adding insult to injury. And my poor car was totaled. However, I was okay and the couple driving in front of me were fine. It was then I realized if I hadn't had such a bad feeling about driving this night, I would have probably been too close and gone straight through their car. I had an angel watching me- that's for sure.

A week or so later, I am back to my day to day schedule (no car) and I decide to come down early for a visit. I also had to go to court for the ticket the cop gave me for "careless driving" (... the irony hurt). But, coming down days before my court case, was due to the FIRE that occurred in my apartment. Yeup, add insult to injury- my apartment's boiler decided to combust, leaving the basement nice and smokey smelling. After the entire Brooklyn fire department left, I decided to go home and just take a break. I head on down to Jersey and a nice HURRICANE decided to great me (thank you Sandy). I got stuck in Jersey for two weeks!!! I had a fun time with my friends, but I was missing out on school, my college started THAT week (good timing, eh?), and on top of it all, it was dark and very cold. So cold in fact, a Nor'easter came and blanketed the down trees and power lines with snow. Oh, and my court case was canceled.

All in all I'm grateful for everything I have... but boy, did I have a bitter Cheshvan.

Torah World-Wide

I formally apologize for ranting in my last post, but I'm still stupefied by people's chosen ignorance and outright bias. Moving forward, I have one of the most interesting topics in the world to discuss: Torah.

Torah has been copied and transmitted for two thousand years and not a letter has been written in error (the Dead Sea Scrolls help historically collaborate that fact). From Israel to China and Europe to Africa,  Torah is the same world-wide. But one thing I have been noticing in seminary, is that it is not taught and learned the same world-wide.

I have been having trouble in seminary this year and not in the typical way. When learning Torah in Israel, I breathed it in. I absorbed it through the air, through the land, through classes, teachers, and friends. I absorbed it at an exorbitant pace. But here in America, it is not the same. It feels like it has become a book. Not a way of life. And I have been having trouble adjusting to the differences in learning.

I love my classes and teachers, but in no way is it comparable to the learning in Eretz Yisroel (Jerusalem, nonetheless). Before coming to America, people had warned me that an hour of Torah learning in Israel is equivalent to studying a day in America; that a day of studying Torah in Israel is equivalent to a week; that a week of studying in Israel is a month of study in America. And how right they were!

Luckily, I feel that I am in the best seminary in America (Ateres Naava). The students are incredible (and incredibly diverse), the teachers are phenomenal, and the classes are engaging. While the learning is not as easy and as encompassing, I'm happy with the choice to continue my Jewish education and bizrat Hashem it will never end.

She's of the Brainwashed and Backwards

(Warning: this is a rant of the worst kind. Beware if you are easily offended.)

I PROMISED myself I would not write a blog on this. I PROMISED myself I had moved past this and would be politically correct. I PRAY that I'm not about to make a chilul Hashem for publicly venting, nor practice avodah zara in the name of anger. BUT I AM FURIOUS!

When will the American youth realize they have been indoctrinated more than any jihadist? When will they wake up from their perpetual sleep and realize they haven't been told the truth? When will they figure out their answers to life were misled by asking the wrong question? Or worse yet, not asking any questions at all!!!

I am angrier than any metal band screaming about injustice into the microphone. I am angrier than protestors out in the rain. I am so furious I feel my heart racing, wanting to implode.

I am of the ones who have washed my brain, clean. And if backwards means opposite of where this generation is going, count me in! 

I am so sick of people calling me brainwashed, as if they haven't ascribed to the biggest farce of them all: the 'american machine.' Even the rebels have a box of their own.

Democracy? Why is it the best form of government? Look at the Arab Middle East- totalitarianism was working much better. 

Capitalism? Why is it the best economic system? There are people dying from hunger in the wealthiest countries!

Feminism? Who said men were the ideal? Maybe they should emulate women- wear skirts and be expressive! That will show you your lopsided equality!

Am I the only one that thinks all these "isms" are being perverted and worshipped like gods?! 

Even Judaism has gone into the wild, we are no longer a UNITED NATION and instead a DIVIDED RELIGION. Who gave YOU the right to change our Torah, pervert it and preach it?! And I'm NOT talking about the Christians and Muslims...

I'm furious at the generations who refused to wake up and ask questions. Why are you no longer fighting for truth? When did comfort and connivence become placebos?

I'm aggravated because if I see one more post insinuating Orthodox Jews are backwards, brainwashed, and archaic, I'll go postal.

When did complacency become a placebo for the truth?

When did our youth stop to ask if what they are being taught is right?

When will America realize they have been indoctrinated? 

When will they wake up and stand up? 

When will they figure out their answers to life were misled by asking the wrong question? 

....Or worse yet, not asking any questions at all!!!

I am of the ones who have washed my brain, clean. And if backwards means opposite of where this generation is going, count me in! 

gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... I'm losing sleep over this... I'm going into Kiruv

Welcome Home

Some artwork later, and I'm still not able to pound out my artistic rendition of Yom Kippur. Every holiday comes new and inspiring lessons, resulting in my sketch pad being filled with pictures depicting how I see the up-coming holiday. But for this Yom Kippur, I can't find myself with an idea. I guess I have some Aish articles to read, haha. But, I'll share the most inspiring thing I have heard so far:

Before Rosh Hashana (the Jewish New Year)  the principal of my seminary gave a lecture on what the holidays in Elul (the Jewish month) mean in the form of an allegory. He said, "Imagine you and your mother got into a terrible argument...

"After the argument you storm out of the house in a burst of fury, and unlike all the other times- you vow not to speak to her again. And unlike all the other times, you keep your vow of silence and find that five/ten years down the road you haven't spoken. In this time, you get married and have a few good kids and one day you wake up and realize where your mother was coming from, now that you find yourself in her position. You get up the nerve and you call her.

"Girl's," he broke the allegory, "what are the first two word's you'd say?" After someone suggested I'm sorry, he continued: "I'm sorry? You haven't talked to her in five/ten years and you think you going to bring up what the argument was to rehash old wounds in the first two words?!

"You would dial her number and wait anxiously as the dial tone goes bring, bring, bring. And when you hear hello, who is this from your  mother's voice your going to say, "Hi mom." Once you say these first two words, you will both start bawling.

"So this is what Rosh Hashana is- it's "Hi mom." Except in this instance it's your parent in heaven, Hashem. And on Rosh Hashana we tell Hashem, Hi, I want a relationship. But first you pick up the phone with a clean slate and with the past behind you.

"And then, maybe after an extended period of time of being on your best behavior, you may finally bring up the original argument and apologize for whatever it is that made you storm out of your parent's lives. This is the idea of Yom Kippur, where we tell Gd that we are sorry and that we're going to do it better this time." And the Rabbi paused, "Even if it's only small baby steps."

This imagery of arguing with your actual parents doesn't escape most teenagers, like myself. So after listening to the Rabbi's allegory, I had a new appreciation for the holidays where I may have not before. Guilt-ridden and nervous for Judgement Day, most people (even religious Jew, even Jews who had been religious all their life) come to Gd in fear thinking that they will be smote on the spot for every sin they have committed over the year (and from my bucket-list, that's a whole lot!). Instead I think I'm prepared for Yom Kippur in a new and more enlightening way than in past years. In the past, I figured Yom Kippur was the penance for being a non-Jewish Jew and that once the fasting and 8-hour service were over I had paid my dues. Now, it has become less torturous and more meaningful, in that instead of looking at it as a day of teshuva (most often translated as repentance), I look at it as a day of true teshuva (lit. "returning" to an estranged parent, which through error, I had lost contact).

I hope if you celebrate Elul (the month of teshuva [read: returning]), and Rosh Hashana, and Yom Kippur, you get back on the right path and find yourself starting with a brand new slate for your brand new year. But before I say my parting words, I'd like to mention the best part of this month. At the end of Elul there is another holiday called Sukkos (the holiday of Booths). We set up booths (you guessed it!) and this symbolized Gd protecting us in the desert as we left slavery in Mitzrayim (Egypt). But fitting in with the allegory from before, another teacher had mentioned today a fitting fact. In order to have a "kosher sukkah" (a proper booth), it needs to have two complete walls and a third of at least a hand-breath size. If you draw it out, it looks like a bent arm. "Sort of like," my teacher mentioned, "how a mother cradles her baby in her arms." On Sukkos, Hashem is telling you, "come home." And like most parents... I don't think he minds how long it's been since you've been back last.

May this New Year find you peace. May this Yom Kippur find you peace of mind. And may this Sukkos fill you with Shalom Bais (peace of the home). 

Our Family Tree

School is progressing, and I have to say, I couldn't be happier with my learning. As we get deeper into the sefer (book) Misillas Yesharim (or Path of the Just, written by Rav Luzzatto) I find myself being energized by the school's ongoing theme of (intentional or not) character growth.

All the Judaic classes deal with hashkafa (Jewish points of view), halacha (Jewish law), mussar (things we know but often overlook), and seferim (judaic books) which ALL are about how to build yourself as an individual. Not so bad with the upcoming New Year, right? But, during the first class of Derech Hashem (The Way of Gd) , the teacher, who is fantastic, introduced the author and the background of the book. This is the class that sparked my intrigue this entire week.

Being Jewish is a nice title or identity, but the root of it is ancestral that traced back to Adam and Chava (Eve). If we follow the line, we get to Noach (and his flood) ten generations later. Ten after that, Avraham (Abraham) comes into the picture. Then his son, Yitzhok (Isaac), and grandson, Yaakov (Jacob). Yaakov and his twelve sons [Yosef (Joseph) and his multi-coloured coat anyone?] entered the land of Mizrayim (Eqypt). After a few hundred years of slavery we come to Moshe (Moses) and his siblings, Aaron and Miriam. Moshe and approximately three million of us accepted the Torah from Gd at the mass revelation on Mt. Sinai. Moshe's deciple, Yeheshua (Joshua), led us in battle where we became reestablished in the land of Israel and set up the monarchy, leading to King David. Post King David, we had the prophets and then we entered the Rabbinic era, in which we find ourselves today. So why is this short history lesson relevant?

As the Rabbi finished his introduction to Derech Hashem and the time period that it was written in (1700's, if you were curious), he proceeded to pull out a rolled up poser. Hmm, I thought curiously to myself. Being invested in my Judaic studies has spilled over to my artwork. During class, I often find my notes taking forms of abstract sketches summarizing the lesson. So, seeing this rolled up poster had me wondering what beautiful work was about to be displayed. And that's when my heart flooded with pure... glorious.... jealousy.

It was such a deep-seated jealousy that took hold of my heart and crushed it. Holding back tears that were welling up in the corner of my eyes, I saw the most stunning picture I have ever seen. The paper was old and crumbled at the corners. Obviously a photocopy of the original piece of work. And the Rabbi proceeded to explain what, exactly, he was holding.

This paper was, in fact, a smaller replica of a large chalk-board sized family tree. This family tree was of my Rabbi's. The last name on it was his great-grand father. And who was the first name? Adam. After Adam, the names got unbearably small- leaving room for each mother and child to be written in until my Rabbi's great-grandfather finished the page. The exquisite way it was made! The fantastic artistry it took! And the most heartbreaking thing of all? The unbroken line of father and mother to child. Each line of names winding down the page had our greatest prophets and talmudic sages. The tree extended to the man holding up that very same piece of paper- my teacher. And I had to hold back tears of a green heart.

My Rabbi explained how pre-World War II, his family had collected all the records of his ancestry and commissioned a very talented artist to make it, in which that artist did with immaculate precision. Names that appeared larger, were notable Jewish figures, and the lines falling down the page accounted for generations of father's teaching their son's Torah, and mother's teaching their daughter's halacha. Something, my family, decided to stop about four generations ago.

As the Rabbi spoke on about the unbroken chain- I couldn't help uncomfortably seething and writhing in my chair with a unique anguish I had never before experienced. As a proud Baalas Teshuvah (returnee to observant religion) I have never had any regrets about my decision to become religious. I was proud for being a rebel to my society- breaking every social norm and deconstructing every philosophical farce in order to find truth and Torah and the way of my nation. I was putting myself through uncomfortable situations to do what I thought was right- and I am so proud of myself for having the wearwithall to continue on my quest for emes. But it never dawned on me that my fight may have been avoided. Of course I sometimes wish I grew up religious, but I never once wished it as a plausible existence. It is just one of those things that you can't change and have to appreciate for what it was. But here, my Rabbi stood in front of me for being proud of NOT having to fight his way back to Torah. Instead, he was showing us that he got the most beautiful gift, Torah, from his parents. His parents gave him the most beautiful gift in the world, like their parents gave to them. This happened a thousand times, or more, back to when we stood at Mount Sinai and received it from our Father, the creator, Hashem.

I sat in class looking at this map of heritage. And it wasn't the beautiful art that made me jealous. It wasn't the fact that I hadn't created the piece of art or was a name within it. What tore me up was that the common factor of passing Torah from father to son was absent in my family tree. To see proof that Adam and Chava actually existed via their children and their children's children was nice. But to realize that this- this beautiful gift... my parents decided not to give me. I had to go to my distant cousins and learn what their parents taught them. It made me want to cry as I sat in class full of Beis Yaakov girls who got it from their ima's and abba's, tatti's and mommy's.

But as the expression goes, "The apple doesn't fall [too] far from the tree." And only three or four generations after Torah was lost in my family, my older brother uncovered it and dusted it off. And a little while later, I found it too. Maybe we didn't get the Torah directly from our parents... but they instilled in us a love for Judaism that helped lead us back. And here is where I make the corny segway back into my Derech Hashem class: In my Derech Hashem class I found myself literally looking at the Tree of Life.

With this family tree in front of me I thought about Torah, family, and trees. Not to mention apples and honey (after all the Jewish New Year, Rosh HaShana, is this Monday). And I thought about all the character traits I'm working on to enhance myself for the upcoming year. And I thought about the person I'm becoming and where I came from. And as I'm thinking about these things, my teacher announced that class was ending but added, "This is your family tree, too. We are all connected and every girl who asks me to find out about their ancestry has a family member on this page, even some just a few generations ago. So after Rosh HaShana you can find out. " And that's when my heart lightened up and I realized this is going to be a very good year.

Getting Started

Settling into my Brooklyn apartment wasn't so time-consuming or challenging. In fact, I could make my home anywhere, as long as you give me a place to sleep and a few minutes to organize my thoughts. But, I have found it challenging to occupy my spare time. I plan on signing up at a pool to swim before class and brought a guitar to figure out after school. But with the weather being kind of muggy (warm, sticky, and grey) going for exploratory walks have been postponed. Even doing activities inside are beginning to become a drag with a new world lurking outside.

Otherwise, my optimism is running high. Yesterday classes began. I liked the morning Judaic courses, but I decided to switch into another level because I wanted more text based learning. Being BT (ba'al teshuva aka: becoming religious) I have managed to absorb all these high-level, high-thinking ideas and hashkafa (veiws), as well a slew of other religious concepts but skipped a lot of the basics. Most notably, chumash (Torah with commentary) and major works such as Derech Hashem ("The way of Gd") and Orchot Tzadikim ("Path of the Righteous"). So in the other level I'll find myself learning these works. I'm actually really excited to get started.

In the afternoon, we have college classes- this month a speech class, which has proven to be extremely interesting by infusing religious and secular studies, is being given. And after the Jewish holidays, we start out courses online. After getting the four-one-one on all the classes and leveling, I feel much more at ease... but speaking about class I got to run (I always leave time for getting lost- it proved helpful yesterday!).