Purim: Unmasking My True Identities

There are many things I'd like to share about Purim in itself. Nothing more important, though, then how it can transform us as individuals. However, to begin, I'd like to explain a little about a very misunderstood holiday. 

Superficially, I've always explained Purim as the Jew's St. Patrick's day and Halloween. In reality, there is nothing further from the truth. I'll admit there are costumes and people who go overboard and get themselves stone-cold drunk. Nevertheless, this is not the essence of the holiday. 

Purim, in short, is a typical history lesson where a tyrannical Persian king tries to get rid of his cruel, but beautiful, wife (the granddaughter of Nebachnezzer), while the top official is planning his own coupe d'eta. So how do the Jews fit in? The top official was petitioning to wipe out our people (how original). The king, serendipitously for us, married a Jewess after killing his first wife, who had made him king. No Gd is mentioned and no open miracles were preformed. This holiday, though, is used as a comparison for our holiest day of the year: Yom kippur. 

Our day of atonement, Yom Kippur (יום כיפור), is only LIKE Purim (פורים). We see this by looking at the names alone. If you split up the name for our day of atonement is says, "יום כי פור" lit. "A day like Purim" (the plural of פור is פורים). Why is our holiest day really Purim and not Yom Kippur? And how does Gd fit in? 

For the sake of brevity (which I've been working on) I'll hop right to it. Purim is Gd helping us, the Jews, in the diaspora in which we currently reside. He doesn't split seas or call out to us in a booming voice. Gd helps us by setting everything into place. You could simply call the events of Purim luck, chance, or destiny. I call it Gd's hand. Purim is holier then even Yom Kippur and the rest of the holidays because whereas Gd signs his name in all those occurrences, on Purim he signs "Love Anonymous" and the Jews understood. 

If anyone was still wondering where the costumes and booze fit in, here is where my narrative begins...

What is a costume? To most of us, costumes are a facade to hide our identities. On Purim, it's a day to get rid of the facade we wear everyday! We unmask our inner selves. We let down our "walls" simply because we changed our surroundings and external output. Similarly, alcohol does the same!   "A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts." It's not about dressing up or getting drunk, Purim is all about unmasking our true identity! This is, sadly, often the identity we try to cover or deny the most. 

During the Purim chagigah (party) at my school I had an amazing insight to my own identity. I came dressed up as myself from high school. I wore a thin hoodie layered with a black teeshirt pulled over, jeans, a red wig, flat-brim, converse, and all my facial piercing in. Getting dressed I felt "liberated" from my religious "facade." But, a few minutes after getting dressed, I realized my jeans felt awkward. My shirt felt too boyish. The hat didn't feel normal. I looked in the mirror and my red wig looked too attention-grabbing and so did all my piercings. I got on the subway and no one looked twice! Was this "normal"? 

I whipped out my Ipod and started to daven birkas hashachar (morning blessings). Woah, did Gd see me like this? A wave of uneasiness befell me. I looked around and saw a religious lady looking at me. Did she know this was a costume? Did I?

After arriving at school I got a lot of "woahhhhs." Someone asked me if I was dressed like a punk/tomboy. When I explained this was how I dressed in high school, a girl said, "I can't believe how much you've changed!" That's when I realized how much I've changed too...

That wasn't the end of my costume experience though. Later, I did a costume switch-up. I was supposed to be a uber-religious Beis Yaakov girl going to her fourth year of seminary for th school Purim shpiel! Pleated skirt mid-calf, blue button-up blouse to my neck, black stockings, flats, hair pulled back into a pony, and piercings removed. It was a switch-up indeed! 

I got compliments from the staff (they thought now this is what I should look like!). I was tugging at my collar and skirt. Were these shoes too tight? Who wears shoes with out socks? They felt funny. My hair felt unnaturally tame. Why was this skirt awkwardly hitting my legs? I looked in the mirror. Who was this girl?! Not me, that's for sure!

As I ran into the bathroom to change back to my high school getup, I realized neither of the costumes were "me." I'm not pious or punk. I'm not a rebel or religious. I'm not frum or fitting-in. I'm not a "Rebekah" and I'm not an "Aviva". I guess I'm a messy, beautiful product of my diverse exposure and choices. Nothing said this more then how I spent my actual Purim. 

While at my parents' house for Shabbos, I was making sure the tape on the refrigerator light wasn't slipping and there was enough food out for seudat shlishi if it did. As shabbos left, I was doing Havdalah as my dad had already started the car. On our way to Chabad (to listen to the megillah reading), I was wondering if my father would regret not going to the Reform synagogue he habitually attends. Sitting in the Chabad, I enjoyed seeing all the costumes and colours. The Rabbayim and their Rebbetzins were hilarious alongside their made-up kids! I had a very nice time and following the event, I headed to my friend's house for our bi-weekly game of D&D. All my high school friends were already sitting around the dining room table and I jumped in. I was NOT going to let my pixie die in combat! After a long night casting spells and learning skills, I went to sleep on the couch. The next morning we got coffee and I walked to Chabad for the next megillah reading. The children were wall-to-wall! After sticking around for a bit, I floated to my best friend's house where I spent the rest of the morning enjoying coffee and getting ready for the trip to Lakewood. Around two, my mom picked me up and we drove to Lakewood for the seuda (meal) at my friend's house. Her kids were adorable in their jungle-themed costumes! People were coming in and out with mishloach manos (bags of treats) and greetings of a "Freilichin Purim!" I think it was the most enjoyable seudah I've ever had. Afterward, I got on a bus Brooklyn-bound where I got home and went straight to bed. But after I had said the shma, ready to fall into a deep sleep, I decided to take the opportunity to say a word to my creator. 

What did I have to say on one of the busiest and varied day of my life? Thank you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to spend Shabbos with my family, even though they aren't religious and it is often extremely difficult. Thanks for letting me remain friends with people who respect my "crazy" religious transformation, despite the fact it is so different from the high school me. Thanks for the Chabad that bridged these two worlds, even though I'm not there so often. Thanks for my best friend who has done nothing but support and cheer me on, while keeping my spirits high and my mind grounded. Thanks for my amazing friends in Lakewood for not just inviting me, but my mom too! Thanks for everything. Thank you for my life. Thank you for my journey. But, I also asked Him, "if you could, give me clarity!" In a world full of facades, I asked for clarity. I want to make the right choices and do the right thing, but I don't want to loose who I am... who ever that is underneath the costume.