What Am I Doing?

What am I doing? I ask that almost every single day when I wake up and say Modeh Ani (the prayer for being thankful for waking up), get dressed (where are my jeans?!), when I eat (is this ha'adama or ha'eitz?), and even when I come out of the bathroom (I am always missing a word or two in Asher Yeztar- The prayer thanking Gd for a functioning body). Just like Gd recreates the world every day, I am constantly accosted by the realization I am recreating myself. Unlike most people, however, my "recreation" isn't staying the exact same with a slight twist. Eg: I am not doing what I normally do plus driving to Shul one Friday out of the month; or deciding that maybe I'll avoid bacon from now on. I literally changed my dress, my language, my surroundings, and my outlook on life.  And these things, like everything else, aren't "permanent" fixtures. Every single time I say Modeh Ani or Asher Yetzar or eat food, I am making an active decision, a "choice" per say. When was the last time you looked into your closet and decided if you were wearing what you were because you "like it" or because it was in style? Or you eat what you eat because you enjoy it or because it was cheap and available? What about your language? Do you speak a certain way (slang or otherwise) because you chose to or because it's automatic? How about where you live?! I'm not asking these questions in order to go on my "do you live your life or let it just happen to you" rant. I'm asking them because at the end of the day, I am amazed how I am able to recreate myself... but at the same time I wonder: What am I doing?!

What I am doing often comes along with the realization, who am I doing it for? While deep in my heart I know I have changed and undertook a constant path of growth for myself, I often throw in the towel and say "I'm doing it for Him." Him being Hashem. Many people may scratch their head, because it would seem more logical for me to have done it for the opposite motives (Him on the deep level, and myself for the superficial). Nevertheless, I still have a lot to grow religiously and this is the reason: I still miss a lot from my past. I miss some of the friends I have become estranged from ( because I'm now "weird"(-er)). I miss lots of the things I used to do. I miss waking up and throwing on jeans and a t-shirt and eating what ever and where ever I felt like eating. I miss doing what ever I pleased. I miss a lot more then I really should.

When I comes down to it, I am happier now then I was in the past. Correction, I am now happy. Before, I was unhappy and felt life was meaningless and pointless and I didn't really want a part of it. While I used to throw on jeans, I never really liked what I wore. I did it because I could blend into the background, unnoticed, and comfortable. Now, I like what I wear and look much more put-together. To my mother's elation, I also look much more feminine (try looking like a boy in a skirt!). When I eat, it may not be convenient, but every time I eat I feel special. Seriously! I started keeping kosher (I'll admit it: kosher style) when I got back from Israel at sixteen years old. I wasn't observant in the slightest, but by keeping kosher style, I felt Jew-ish at least three times a day. Now, debating between what hecsher (kosher certification) I should hold by or if I should become Cholov Yisroel (a kosher stringency concerning dairy products), I not only feel "Jewish" I am purposely declaring that is exactly what I am. I am Jewish and this makes me special! This, though, is mostly internal.

When I am doing a commandment, I am doing it for Gd's sake even though I know it's "good for me". If Gd came to me today and told me that I could eat bacon, wear whatever I liked, and get a tattoo, you best believe I'd be sitting in a tattoo shop with a cheeseburger, wearing jeans and a short-sleeve t-shirt, in twenty minutes flat. Actually, scratch that, I know the person at the tattoo place down the street- I could make it there in five. Point is, I often ask myself what am I doing?! And I answer: I'm doing what Gd wants me to do. But deep down inside, I know I'm doing what makes me happy and fulfilled. I can't believe I'm the person I am. I wish I could go back to the eighth grade version of myself and say, "Hey YOU! Look! We are amazing!" Because I, honestly, feel amazing. Every detail of my life has meaning. What more could I ask for? What more could I want?

What more could any one need?